Here is how it really works…. The Change Formula:
- You can’t change other people.
- You can only change yourself.
- When you change, everyone in a relationship with you must change.
- The direction and intensity of their change is not in your control.
- You can’t skip numbers in the formula order.
2. You can only change yourself – the good news and the bad news. If we want our lives to be different we have to make them so by modifying our own actions. In every case we have a choice on how we are going to act or react to the stimuli of life, even if the choice we make is not to choose. We are in control, but only of ourselves. Oh, the responsibility – our ability to respond when we so choose.
3. When you change, everyone in a relationship with you must change. Imagine that relationships are like rubber bands, held at the end by each of the two people in that relationship. The tension of the relationship depends upon and can be changed by the position/movement of each individual without the knowledge or permission of the other. When we make a change in our life, for growth or avoidance, all people connected to us feel the shift and will respond/react to that shift.
4. The direction and intensity of their change is not in your control. [See #1]. We want to believe, to misdirect or delude ourselves that we can predict or significantly influence the other’s change. We cannot. [See #5]
5. You can’t skip numbers in the formula order. #1 is what we can not do. #3 is what we can not do. Like wise #’s 4 and 5. Only #2 contains what we can do: learn and grow ourselves, change.
Our human condition is such that we are forced to choose between comfort and growth. If we are to grow, it involves doing things that are new, different, outside our patterns of comfort. We all must choose between comfort and growth. Initially, we can’t have both. Similar to crustaceans, that have to shed their exoskeleton to grow, we must shed our protective shell of “We’ve never done it that way before” to learn, to practice to internalize new ways of being our best selves: Awake, Analyzing, Acting and Affirming. May it be so.
Comments, questions, disagreements, snide remarks and silly stories welcome.