If we allow the irrational, reactive pattern of our primitive, primate, emotive brain to be our default response, then we move into a life filled with frustration and anger. The following flow chart takes us through the hierarchy of RET/CBT response that leads to the path of learning and growing as a centered, differentiated self.
FRUSTRATION
Diffused reaction to external stimuli caused by avoiding, denying or distracting ourselves from the present grow issue to avoid identifying and owning our feelings of anger; frustration or anger directed toward others is hostility and aggression while if inwardly-directed they lead to depression.
ANGER
Contains more power than frustration and is, therefore, a positive move even though it is a cover (meta-feeling) for two more basic feelings that we irrationally experience as less powerful, less acceptable to others and less comfortable to ourself.
Think: “Today’s Sesame Street is brought to you by the
letter ‘H’ or ‘P’ ”; each sensation may occur by itself or in
combination with the other and has two possible components:
they can be real sensations in that they are observable to the
outside world or they can be learned responses (rational/irrational)
that we are taught to attach to those real sensations
HURT/PAIN
REAL HURT/PAIN
Physical hurt is a wound and calls for medical treatment; relational pain is healed through a healthy grieving process.
LEARNED HURT/PAIN
We can realize the active verb is “learned” and apply the process of “if I learned this response once I can learn a different response now”; in the past I got a stabbing pain in my right eye whenever
I drank iced tea; announcing I was giving up iced tea to end my pain, a friend suggested an alternative action: “why don’t you just take the spoon out before you drink?”
HELPLESSNESS/POWERLESSNESS
REAL HELPLESSNESS/POWERLESSNESS
By definition there is nothing we can do with this true condition other than learning and practicing acceptance; Think: Serenity Prayer.
LEARNED HELPLESSNESS/POWERLESSNESS
At times we take away our own power, we have been taught to act like we are helpless (so that some else will deal with life for us [under and over functioning); this a place to apply the disputation-reframe-act differently process of RET/CBT; we can practice changing our “upset” reaction into “setting up” new actions
A SILLY STORY about real and learned hurt and helplessness:
Three explorers were caught by cannibals who told them they would
be boiled and eaten. The good news was that the tribe’s Big Kahuna
needed a new canoe. The condemned adventurers would be carefully
skinned after cooking and those skins would be used to make the canoe.
As long as the canoe was used their names would be remembered with
honor among the tribe. An additional honor would be the granting of one last wish before they were cooked. The first requested a cigarette to smoke. After an explanation the cannibals produced a rolled-up leaf of a
local plant they smoked for “medicinal” purposes. “A beer” was the second
request. Again after some cross-cultural translation, a coconut shell over-flowing with fermented honey and goat milk was produced. Two wishes down, the third intrepid and terrified captive asked for “a fork”. Understanding was reached after drawing a picture in the dirt and a
fishing trident was handed over. Satisfied, taking the trident in hand the third explorer began to stab himself repeatedly, saying “F**K your canoe.”
Do what you can do. Next month: the Anxiety-Fear Hierarchy