This is an example of the family systems concept of over and under function, where there is too much in one area and not enough in another. Always together, over and under functioning in relationships create cutoff and enmeshment. Dr. Roland Richardson in “Family Ties that Bind”, presents cutoff and enmeshment on a straight-line continuum, one at each end. I think it explains relationships more accurately to see them as the flow of a circular ray that moves away at the ends only to meet together at 360/0 degrees. Imagine the equator. On a map or standing on it in reality, it appears to be a straight line. On a globe, or from space, it is clearly a connected circle.
In relationships, in Families of Origin, too much or too little repeats in the next generation (see Talcott Parsons on the concept of Identity and Complement). A child experiencing too little energy exchange with a parent will either duplicate the cutoff interaction or will desperately seek more contact resulting in enmeshed relational patterns. A healthy interaction process would be to move from either extreme toward the center creating individuation, differentiation, and balanced interactions between persons.
This seems related to a misunderstanding of the Classic Greek Stoics’ idea of a Golden Mean. Most often described as “moderation in all things”, the original concept was “moderation in all things, including moderation”! A balance of both ends. A seesaw that goes up and down, rather than stuck with one end in the air while the other is planted on the ground. Dynamic and interactive, moving and fluid rather that stuck in a rut of limited patterns of response. What might this look like in real life?
After reading about cutoff and enmeshment, I asked my university class if they might have examples. One student offered an instance of cutoff in their family: “All my life growing up, I knew I had an uncle whom I had never met Every holiday and on his birthday we would all sign and send a greeting card. They were each and every one returned to sender unopened. That’s cutoff, right?” Most of the class, of those awake and attending, agreed it was cutoff. After a few moments of discussion, I offered “no it’s not, for each card sent there was a response; cutoff would have been to hear nothing.”
I called my mother to ask if she had examples of enmeshment in our family. “No, of course not, that’s crazy.” Which was followed by 45 minutes of interrogation about my wife, kids, pets and work plus questions about my brother’s family and a worried monologue regarding how “your” sister is in such sad shape and needs help.
Comments, questions, disagreements, snide remarks and silly stories are invited, or not. Shalom, RoB